On Marriages... Part 2

The first part of the series was authored by Arun Ramachandran. He didn't intend it to be a series, especially given that two other gentlemen who wanted to be a part of this blog much to his dismay weren't exactly writers in the first place, and they didn't have generous quantities of what is popularly known as beginner's luck.

There can, however, be an element of flair thrown into this blog, and a dash of flawed writing here and there; the readers were deprived of the latter by Arun, while yours magnificently uses the style generously, and thinks that there is nothing wrong with it, like he thinks he has a southern accent, but doesn't realize that its more like the southern accent that originated couple of blocks from South Mada Street, Chennai- 600004.

All of this needless talk reminds us to get right back to the point. Like A (henceforth, that is what Arun will be referred to as) said, it is indeed rather hard to maaru-adichify with a spouse who speaks another tongue, who you married just because she was a sexy babe, and legally owned a nice ass and a nicer rack; ass = donkey and rack = book rack, just in case you were getting the wrong ideas. (It is not after 9 yet while these words are being typed). Coffee aathittu konduvarathu is safely out of the question then. That sort of narrows down the ocean of choice one seemed to have started out with, especially when its known that blonde girls aren't particularly enthusiastic about speaking the dialect of Tamil the authors are interested in. Anyway, A's point is "Don't marry a girl who doesn't speak your language!". Fair enough.

So, should you try to convince the babefolk, especially the Mexican members of the offline forum, that Aathu le peshara bhashai is the easiest language to speak, and that Español has Tamil roots? You shouldn't . Just listen to A. He is some sort of an expert at this.

If you were to ask M (purely fictional), he would ask you to find solace in an arranged marriage. After several failed attempts at pataofying babes, he came to the same conclusion that his forefathers and fivefathers(that is their forefathers) arrived at - Indian dudes suck. Thats right they don't kiss, they suck (Line flicked from the movie 'Flavours'). So it is mathematically impossible for them to patao a babe. He thinks as a result that it is weird that Russell Peters thinks arranged marriages are weird. Certain talentless individuals - 15 of whom are the M's good friends - reading this blog will smile in silent approval. Cum the f**k on (still not after 9), how the bloody hell can someone sleep with babes while another similar looking individual halfway around the globe plays cards with male friends who haven't the slightest hint of mammaries, and the member of the feminine gender closest to them physically is the portrait of Monalisa hanging in a neighbouring house. It is believed that Monalisa is Leonardo in disguise, which would offset the distance by a significant measure. Hence, leave the trouble to your parents and just tell them "I need a slim yet curvy, longish faced, sharp featured, frilly haired, intellectual talking, Kubrick watching, Saki reading, Pink Floyd listening, British accent appreciating female". For all you know, they might find you one. Of course, after adding the customary Tamil speaking Iyer/Iyengar girl to the short list you provided them with.

That was M's view, lets see what Nitish's take on this issue is.

Thanks, dear hapless readers. (most of whom have been chosen beforehand)

On Marriages...

A great man once said - "You must never marry a female who looks beautiful and doesn't speak your language, for someday you'll be tongue-tied." FYI, this quote was made by me.

Lets get serious. The woman you marry should be someone with whom you can enjoy your life for whatever there is left between both of you. Right? I stated that in very simple terms. Now we should explore what 'enjoying' means, in terms of enjoying with your woman. (And women who read this article, read it by replacing 'men/man' with 'women/woman', although I won't guarantee that the article would work fine in your mind with the replacement at all times. I write this article talking as women as apart from me as I find it very inconvenient to write formal, corny lines like - "Every man/woman should consider his/her spouse as an alternative to a woman/man they really love.") Enjoying means not just having sex. But hold it hold it. I can read your thoughts. You are now asking - "How the hell can I have sex with a ugly female dude?" First of all, cut that "dude". I hate it. Now to answer your question with due consideration; you are right, you can't have sex with a female whom your mind perceives as "ugly". I wouldn't. You always have a choice of seeking beautiful women. My point as I stated in that quote of mine (*pride*), is that if you saw some female of some other origin and if she didn't speak your language, and if you aren't comfortable with her language, then chuck it man, for you can't live life peacefully. To people who talk theory like "If you are really in love with her you'll understand her well", I have two words for you - You're wrong!

Be practical. If you are asking her to put filter coffee and for some reason you expect her to "*aathify" the coffee and give it you or lets say your guests, you had it. You have to explain her the thing practically. Then next time you tell her, she will be turn blank. Maybe eventually she'll get what you say after repeating over and over again. But I bet you, you can never be comfortable as in when you tell a tamil girl - "Coffee aathi kudu deee!" (If you're Polish probably you might have a word for "aatharthu" like "gyryzpodst").

What I mean to say is you might have certain expressions in your own language which you'll be comfortable using at times in life (like saying "Yen di mundom..unakku evvalo sonnalum buththi varaaatha" in tamil), but if you'll have to translate it to some othe language which you can speak but are not pretty comfortable with, like say, hindi, thne you have major problem. Your wife will make her face like a bitch, and ask "kya?". Then lets say you start translating it for her. "Main sirf yeh bol rahaa tha ki 'kyon tujhe yeh karne mein ithna...ithnaa...shitt yaar..ussse kya kehthe hein...woh ...samajna mushkil hai , aur kuch nahi". So your intent was lost in translation in there. You wanted to shout at her telling her what a dumbass she is and not make her respond. But you'd have failed in your purpose by now. Your wife would have thrown up by now, and would have been the master of the situation by turning into a total bitch.

Ok thats it. Thats my point.

*I can't explain it.